Jaws, 1975
Here we are in the midst of summer…it’s hot, steamy and we could all use a good swim in the ocean. Cue John William’s classic theme of Jaws as you dip your feet into the cold Atlantic or Pacific or Mediterrean or wherever you may find yourself this summer. But do it on your own accord and proceed with caution. Sweep your feet for jellyfish and keep watch for that tell-tale triangular fin that may appear in between the waves and catch you off guard when you least expect it. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you…. “Show me the way to go home…I’m tired and I want to go to bed…I had a little drink ’bout an hour ago and it’s gone right to my head”…suddenly, you hear a bell ringing in the distance, a yellow tank pops up, speeding along in the midnight black water and heading straight for…
Well, you get the picture. The opening scene of Jaws continues to scare the living daylights out of all of us. The pure, guttural fear heard in the young woman’s screams as her lower half is shred to pieces is enough to have you cancel your week in the Cape and dial up the pool man instead. I much prefer to take my shark grilled with melted butter, instead of the other way around. My mom was pregnant with me when the movie first came out in the theatres. It’s a wonder that that scene didn’t put her into labor right then and there. Regardless of it being my favorite of movie of all time, I still believe that the ocean looks just lovely from my perch on a beach chair, toes dug firmly into the sand, thank you very much.
When I first sat down to write this blog, I was veering more towards talking about me getting back into the dating world the past couple of years, post heart ache (or two). Hence the first part of the title. However, the more I thought about it, the more I think that sometimes I’m the killer shark rather than the innocent girl clinging to the buoy. Billy Joel, another fave of mine, croons a classic called “An Innocent Man” http://www.lyrics007.com/Billy%20Joel%20Lyrics/An%20Innocent%20Man%20Lyrics.html, describing his frustration in trying to love someone that’s had her heart broken too many times; he sings “Some people stay far away from the door; If there’s a chance of it opening up; They hear a voice in the hall outside ;And hope that it just passes by ;Some people live with the fear of a touch ;And the anger of having been a fool ;They will not listen to anyone ;So nobody tells them a lie..” The song has often caused me pause. The lyrics alone are smart (I mean, come on, it’s Billy Joel, DWI’s aside) and extremely honest. In a society where we often paint women as victims and men as heartless fools, we forget to turn the tables around and consider the flip side of the coin. I mean, we’ve all got our baggage. This I’ve made clear in past posts. And at some point, we’ve all got to unpack it and show someone it’s guts. That’s really the only way that a relationship can spark, and frankly, maintain itself. Now, I’m not saying you have to pour your heart out on the first date; actually that is strongly not recommended. Who wants to hear how often you think you’ve screwed up, or how someone else was a jerk, or that you’ve been pining away at home with your cats, all while trying to enjoy red wine and bruschetta. Yeah, no one.
But that’s not to say that you have to keep yourself closed off to sharing a bit about how you’ve gotten to where you are. And it’s not a bad thing. We all have our stories to tell. However, I’ve recently discovered that I have been afraid to tell them – at least the ones that don’t involve me running tractors into barns or wearing a bikini at inopportune moments. Cause those are just funny. I’m talking about the more serious side of me. I think sometimes that if I just continue to be funny and easy-going, then the attraction will stay, right? No unnecessary drama, and I’ll not risk myself becoming vulnerable and saying something that might scare someone else away. Wrong. In fact, the less that I reveal of myself – inner core and all – the more I turn into someone that I’m not. I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve, but as of late, I’ve clammed up when it comes to spilling my guts all over the dock. And that’s just not who I am. I’m the one who will tell you my life story in a grocery store line; the one that becomes so passionately involved in a movie or a concert that I actually think that I’m on stage; the one that has never been afraid to say “hey, I’m falling for you” or ” you know what? I think you’re pretty great”. But I don’t find myself doing that much anymore. Only because I’ve mistaken unexpected responses for rejection.
But, here I go anyway, heading back out into the dating world, and frankly, sometimes having no business being there, swimming into shallow waters and gobbling up people that I have no business flirting with. Let’s be real; if I’m not ready to deal with the consequences, I should stick to plankton. If I can’t focus on what I truly want from a relationship or what I’m even looking for, than I really shouldn’t start lining up the possibilities like it’s a dinner menu. There’s been guys who have tried to date me; those who are emotionally available and who I choose to close myself off from. Instead, I choose to prey on those in other states – geographically or emotionally, or sometimes, both. Cause, that’s easier. It’s easier to get over someone who isn’t right in front of you. It’s easy to head out of your own waters, and invade waters you shouldn’t. This only lands me back to square one. And that’s with myself. Someone that I’ve been afraid to face all along. When did I forget how to actually talk to someone I’m interested in, to get past the surface talk, and actually get to the real deal of who I am? We all think we are really good at doing this, until you look back on past conversations and realize, “you know, they really didn’t know me at all”. I mean, let’s be clear. With me, what you see is what you get. But at times, the inner core of my heart stays wrapped up tight, something that can only be revealed at the most intimate of moments. I’m not talking about sex here either; I’m talking about an intimacy that’s developed with someone where the other knows you so well that he/she can finish your sentence or be able to identify the pain in your eyes when you’ve been hurt or know when a hug is appropriate and a kiss is sometimes even better. To, me intimacy has become a stranger, and something I’ve been pulling away from. A shark may be an animal with warm-blood running through it’s veins, but somewhere along the way, I’ve let mine grow cold.
There are plenty of “innocent men” out there (or women, whichever you prefer)… and it’s up to us to not let them stand up on the witness stand any longer than necessary. Let’s give them a break; let’s give ourselves a break. If we continue to close ourselves off to possiblities of true intimacy and the development of genuine relationships; where does that leave us? So what…we had our heart broken or have been let down a few times. That is nothing new. Shit happens. But let’s not make the mistake of setting our expectations about a potential someone in such an unrealistic manner that we instead continue to see the demise of it as rejection. And no, I’m not talking about settling. I’m talking about being real. Identifying what we want before we open our big fat Jaws and chomp away at something that we had no business chasing anyway. We can continue to bitch and moan about not having a date on Saturday night, or someone to go to a wedding with, or have as a golf partner…but really, when the finger points back to us, that’s when we need to swallow our pride and take a good look in the mirror.
I think about the song again; I think about how frustrated Billy is and actually, how tiring it might be for the woman he’s singing to as well. It takes even more energy to hold back on revealing what’s made you you, than the energy it takes for letting it all hang out somewhere along the way. What’s the difference between shutting the door compared to keeping it open? If we constantly see ourselves as someone clinging to a buoy, then we’re bound to always be a victim. My sister is always saying to me, “Just be yourself!” and i’m like “dammit, I am!” But now I know what she means.
You might be the girl in the ocean, or the shark yanking on her foot. But for god sakes, if someone is taking a midnight swim, let em’ alone. Go pick on someone your own size. Better yet, go discover uncharted waters that you have yet to travel. It may not include a smorgasboard of beachcombers that you were expecting, but it may be a whole ‘nother school of fish ready and waiting. Now that’s worth sinking your teeth into.
Copyright 2010, Leah A. Flynn
Bingo!
Richard M……Leah knows what I mean.